| Each month I begin my inbox transmissions with an “alchemical attunement”, aimed to inspire a shift in perspective. May we see all our challenges as GOLD, so that we can expand into our highest potential on the wings of gratitude for all that we’ve been through thus far.
If you read my most recent Love Letter, then you know I’ve been in a grief portal.
Today’s attunement is devoted to surfacing that our culture sucks at grieving, and highlighting a few ways that honoring our emotional process not only accelerates our healing, but makes us wiser, kinder humans.
Have you apprenticed with grief, Kate?
If you have, then you’re in good company. If not, it’s only a matter of time, so let’s lay some groundwork.
Here’s a few things I know for certain about grief:
1. Grief is holy.
It's not a “negative” emotion. It’s nothing to feel shame about, or pretend you don’t feel if you actually do. Grief is holy, hallowed ground where we get to discover how deep our love really goes.
2. Bypassing grief will make you ill.
Literally. Bypassing grief or trying to pretend it away won’t help it move any faster. In fact, the swiftest path through our grief is to go all in. Honor it. Devote yourself to it. Embrace and accept it wholeheartedly. The only way out is through.
3. Grief does not only emerge in the face of death.
I used to think grief was only appropriate in the face of death. But anyone who is paying attention in the world today knows that is not remotely true. Frances Weller, beloved teacher and author of “The Wild Edge of Sorrow”, shares the five gates of grief:
First Gate: Everything we love we will lose.
Second Gate: The Places that have not known love
Third Gate: The Sorrows of the World
Fourth Gate: What we expected and did not receive
Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief
This simple document does a great job of giving more details to these five gates. Suffice to say, there are plenty of valid reasons to grieve, my love.
4. Emotional pain and physical pain produce the same sensations in the body.
I’m no doctor or scientist, but I heard it said just the other day that the transmitters for emotional and physical pain are the same. In other words, when we feel emotional pain, it literally hurts. This is good to know if you’re moving through a grief portal, and also helpful in cultivating more kindness, compassion and empathy for those around you who are grieving. Here and here are two articles discussing the science behind this idea.
I bring this up because in the past few weeks as I’ve grieved my beloved feline familiar, I have had intense and acute sensations of pain. As in holy shit, this fucking hurts. Not made up in my head, or some vague idea of heartache, but actual ouch my heart hurts right now.
Let’s normalize this so we can be kinder to ourselves when we’re emotionally hurting.
5. The extent to which we are able to grieve mirrors the extent to which we can feel joy.
I believe this with my entire being. I witness again and again, both in myself and in those around me, that people who know how to grieve in a healthy way and are willing to really go there, are able to feel more joy. I like to imagine that there’s an invisible spectrum, with grief on one end and joy on the other. If you’ve never gone very far over to the grief end, whatever extent you’ve traveled there is mirrored in the opposite direction.
As we embrace our grief and grow our capacity to be, do and feel hard things, something miraculous happens: we learn how to tap boundlessly into a joy we never knew was possible.
If you need a reason to give yourself full permission to feel the hard feelings, this is IT my love. More joy! That is what awaits you on the other side of your grief.
All of that said, I’d love to offer a few alchemical prompts, practices and resources. Whether you need them at this moment or not, I hope you’ll save this email, or perhaps pass it along to someone in need. |
